“I found myself in Budva a month after the start of mobilization. It’s even embarrassing – why I waited, why I didn’t leave earlier. Well, that’s what happened.
In the early 2000s, I studied economics at Moscow State University. Herman Gref spoke to us, told us how we are integrating into Europe, and everything that happened inspired me. And then the carriage began to turn into a pumpkin: the castling of Medvedev-Putin, Bolotnaya, the taming of the media, Crimea-there could have been no illusions. But I still had them: it seems that you work, do good things and thus counteract the bad ones. And in general, this is my country, why should I leave it, let those who create this mess leave. In general, like many people, until 2022 I lived with the feeling “maybe it will still work out, something will turn out to change”.
“At the end of February 2022, my wife Kristina and I went to Rostov-on-Don to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. We wanted to spend this time together, or maybe with our daughter Agatha, or maybe Agatha would have preferred to watch cartoons on YouTube… As a result, instead of romantic celebrations, we stunned scrolled news. At first you don’t believe it – then you read in five different sources – you understand that yes, there is a war with Ukraine. Then there is total rejection.”
“Then introspection started. Here in Syria, Russia did the same thing, but then for some reason you were not so flattened? Not so, I confess. But in Ukraine – friends and relatives. And for this, too, it’s a shame, like if you’re not friends, then okay?.. It’s still hard for me to sort it all out. But the feeling was-the bandits in the alley are hitting each other, and you can’t hide.
I wrote to my friends in Odessa: “Guys, what is happening is tin, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”: “Yes, it’s tin, but we understand that you don’t create it, it’s not your fault.” That answer made it even worse. People who are under bombs should not enter into my position and comfort me as well.”
“I lived in Chernogolovka, a research town very close to Moscow. There they began to hold Z-car races with cheers and patriotic chants. And I saw how many people DIED. But before, it seemed to me that this madness can only be supported by a crazy, driven by someone minority. When I realized that it was sincerely shared even by some people in the scientific community, it became clear that it was time to leave. September 21 was the reason, but not the reason.”
“From my family, the cat Yerosha was the first to get to Budva. In Moscow, he was given to carriers, and I met him at the gas station and rejoiced as if he were my very own creature. Then Agatha and Kristina arrived. Now Agatha is 8, and she, in general, has adapted. I asked a couple of times: “Are we going back?” I told: “Let’s discuss it again. Unfortunately, Russia began to fight with its neighbors and kill people. If we stay there, we will have to adapt.You will be told at school that this is the right thing to do – to fight with Ukraine. You will answer in class why it was impossible otherwise. Participate in Z– rulers. You’ll learn to say one thing at school and another at home. Is this what you want? I’m not.”
“When my neighbor and friend Borey Yemchaev and I were in Priestanisht, it was still an old villa of the foundation, next to the London cafe. Our rooms are on the top floor. I was always working online, and Borya sometimes went down to the courtyard, sang and played the guitar. Montenegrins listened and clapped from neighboring balconies, hardly understanding anything in the Russian author’s song. An almost surreal picture: there is a war going on, your friends are everywhere, and you live, in general, in excellent conditions, but you are tormented by uncertainty and the thought that, perhaps, some of the Ukrainians need your room in the Shelter more now. Around, by Moscow standards, it’s almost summer, the sun is shining, and your friend is playing guitar in the yard”.
“I didn’t think I would miss Russia. After all, Russia is primarily about people, and thanks to technology, I continue to communicate with them. But I miss you. Before going to bed, or just when you walk, thinking – sometimes pictures of some very ordinary places flash before your eyes. For some reason, suddenly – the market near the metro station “University”, and the granny, from whom I bought pickles, or the school alley in Chernogolovka, along which I walked from 4 to 11 grade, and it is snowy, because it is always snowy. But I can’t imagine what would happen for me to return to Russia now. So that it suddenly becomes the same as it was in 2004, and rewrite history anew?.. “
“Here, in Montenegro, in Budva, a community of interesting people has formed who have already passed natural selection and answered the question of whose Crimea is and what is happening with Russia. It supports. And I am sure that now, being outside the Russian Federation, you can influence the situation more effectively than staying inside. Priestanishte also affects it. We give everyone who needs help the opportunity to get this help. And this is not just emotional situational help from kind people, who, of course, are everywhere. This is a built-in system that helps those who had their house bombed yesterday, and those who could have been behind bars the day before yesterday. Therefore, this is a powerful humanitarian mission, no matter how loud it may sound. Which in the long run is important for both Russia and the whole world. It’s important for me to be involved, so I’m here.”
“I write poetry, I always have. Just for yourself, for your friends. After February, I did not write more, but I began to post them more on FB. These were written then:
I don’t want you to come to life, you haven’t lived for a long time,
I don’t feel sorry for you at all — you are my reflection,
the Hopeless black bottom, the absolute defeat,
the Apogee of emptiness, the unconditional inglorious end.
You will never find yourself — and no one will.
You were kicked out of the house last night in the devilish cold.
You walk through the crunching snow, the snow falls outside the gate,
The endless Russian field is covered in ice.
It’s snowing, and it’s snowing, and it’s snowing, and it’s snowing.”
